This is a write up of an article titled Be Kinder to Yourself by Alice Boyes - https://hbr.org/2021/01/be-kinder-to-yourself
The author speaks about compassionate self-care, mostly in the form of compassionate self-talk. She suggests that there are four elements of self-compassion:
Using a tone of kindness
Recognizing that pain is universal
Taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions
Expecting yourself to make the best decision you can in the situation you’re in.
She goes on to say that we need to understand our sabotaging patterns. For instance, I used to be a workaholic. Now, I know I used work to avoid feelings, to avoid the stresses and responsibilities sometimes of family life, and God-only-knows what else. Concurrent with this tendency was self-judgement and a harsh attitude. I knew I shouldn’t be so “busy”, and I spoke relentlessly to myself, very harshly sometimes. “King, you shouldn’t. You couldn’t. You would have been better if you hadn’t done this. Or that…”
My New York friend calls this the “shoulda woulda coulda” stuff. And I know it shames and embarrasses me when I talk to myself this way.
After a great deal of time in therapy, I finally get what my therapist says when she says: “You are innocent. Everyone is innocent. There is nothing to fix or change.”
Man. does that ever fly in the face of my Catholic upbringing!
Another way I can be kinder to myself is to listen to what others say that soothes me, like what my therapist said above. And reading spiritual literature helps. Now, this is highly individualized: some people read according to their religion. Some read general spiritual affirmations. But whatever I read, I make sure it is inspirational, and I make sure it soothes me. And it gives me impetus to watch the self-negating patterns.
I recently discovered I ruminate. I nurse resentments, pretending I don’t. I claim I have processed things and worked them out in therapy or with the person with whom I have a problem.
I have spoken about pretense and imposter syndrome. If I pretend myself past my spiritual evolution, evolved people can smell the dishonesty, and I’m not the leader/mentor I claim to be.
Rigorous honesty, compassionate self-talk and self-care – this takes practice.
Self-deprecation is boring. It turns people off. And mostly, it does harm to me, to my family, to my health.
I am looking for ways to practice what I am learning, and part of this practice is having the humility to learn from others how I can best improve myself.
What about you? I would love to hear from you!
“Craig’s tremendous emotional intelligence coupled with his pragmatic and honest coaching approach have been critical to my professional success. His questions get right to the heart of the issue.” DL