This article is in response to a piece entitled How to Help Your Spouse Cope with Work Stress by Rebecca Knight in the Harvard Business Review. You can find that article here: https://hbr.org/2018/08/how-to-help-your-spouse-cope-with-work-stress
Even if you have achieved the ability to leave stress at work, your spouse may have difficulty doing so.
So, how can we help our partners cope with this?
For starters, we need to listen. Show engagement and empathize. Figure out what they need. If you are feeling turned off by something, take this to your therapist or to your journal, because believe me – this is about you, not them. The old, if you spot it, you got it.
My therapist has taught me three modalities of listening:
1. Reflective listening. This is where I repeat back several keywords or phrases to let my partner know I took in exactly what she said
2. Validation. This is deeper because I am expressing emotional empathy or sympathy. For instance, my partner might say something like, “her words were really harsh.” I might respond with “I can see that really hurt you.”
3. Just plain listening with some “hmm” and “mmm” and/or “I hear you” and “I can hear that.”
I also am working on literal listening. This is trickier than it may sound. This is where we hear only what the person is saying rather than knowing what we think they are saying.
This also goes deeper when there is a “yes” or “no” question within what is being said. We only answer with a “yes” or a “no.” Not an “I don’t know” or, “well…. blah blah blah…” And we never justify or explain. We don’t teach. And never, ever, ever, “yes, but…”
For instance, my spouse is asking a question of me but goes on and on with a story about a person yet needs the answer. My job is to answer with a clear yes or a clear no, and yet to give her the dignity of listening to the rest. So, I say, “I hear you about so-and-so, and my answer to your point is no (or yes).”
The authors talk about offering support in certain ways if you find your spouse isn’t coping with work stress.
First, and the author says this, again and again, don’t compete with your partner’s stress. Stress endurance is not a competition.
Secondly, listen in a kind way, not with a hard stare. (I have been told to soften my belly and soften my eyes).
Thirdly, be aware of the type of stress your partner is experiencing. The author says there is sporadic stress, which is situational, or the result of a bad meeting or a client project gone awry. More insidious, there is chronic stress that bubbles under the surface for a long period.
This might be a signal that your spouse might be in the wrong place or the wrong job. This would need a long talk or a long walk. It also might require a soft touch.
The author says to help our partners by encouraging outside friendships and interests. One helpful tool my wife and I utilized was couple’s therapy. This has been invaluable for work with communication.
I suppose the most important tool for me – and ultimately for my wife – is to decompress together. We are learning to develop good mobile habits. We put our phones and tablets away when we are together, no matter what.
We are sitting together each evening in silence, or conversation, or we simply go for a walk and let things happen. Sometimes conversation happens, and sometimes it doesn’t. This is a beautiful way to decompress. Nothing forced. I was told force closes the heart. I was told that force can be violent.
What about you? How do you help your partner cope? How do you cope?