I cannot stop thinking about myself and the effect I am having on others. I have not developed personal empathy, I am told. It seems hopeless.
Then I blurt something insensitive and cannot see why it has been hurtful. Yikes!
What I am working on, with some success, is something called professional empathy. I have been told it is different than personal empathy, which is going to remain out of reach for now.
But I have discovered that I can put myself in my client’s shoes and help them that way. I can imagine what it is like to go through what they are going through, and I don’t have to talk about myself. I can learn to listen.
I have been told I can hear, but I am not listening. Sometimes I am asked to reflect what is said, and I cannot do it. Yet I know I heard!!
This is a dynamic skill set I want to perfect. I am working, working, working on this!
Picking up verbal and non-verbal cues. Listening to every nuance of the conversation. Since the Pandemic, it has become much more difficult since I am mostly on Zoom or on the phone.
I have a great deal of anxiety, so when there is silence, I sometimes panic. Have I said something wrong? Is there something needed? Often, the ONLY THING NEEDED IS LISTENING!!
The authors of this article claim several techniques to work on listening with more empathy. And this means taking care of the person I am speaking with, not thinking about myself and how I am being perceived.
The author has linked several notable behaviors which can enhance empathic listening. The first set involves recognizing all verbal and nonverbal cues, including tone, facial expression, and other body language. It includes recognizing how the person is feeling and how you might feel in a similar situation.
My therapist calls this reflection and validation. I am taught that reflection involves letting the person know I heard what was said, and validation is reflecting the feelings behind what was said. It is a very difficult skill. I am working on it!
The second set of behaviors involves processing. This is a very sophisticated skill. One is required to keep track of the backstory of what is being said, and then be able to spit out an objective analysis of what is needed by stating what was heard, what is perhaps needed, and what further information may be required before a further assessment may be given.
The third set involves letting the client know they have been heard. Reassuring them, they are being taken in.
Hearing words is not adequate. A true leader needs to work at understanding the position and perspective of the others involved. Follow-ups are essential.
I know I expect others to do things for me, and that has included follow-through. But this is about the feelings and heart and mind of another human being.
And this is where empathy is born.