I was brought up with a chronic, pervasive paranoia, believing that anything we shared about ourselves, or our families, would be used against us.
This kind of mindset fits perfectly into the world of corporate corruption. I was already primed for being somewhat evasive, which I had been rehearsing with my wife and family for a long time.
My “go-to”, as my therapist readily pointed out, was to lie. I lied and pretended and hid. I was a whirlwind of shame-based invulnerability.
When I became a coach after over thirty years in public accounting, it was easy to pretend I was better than my clients and could practice what I preached. And when I became “vulnerable” and empathetic, it was often with a motive rather than with honesty. I found I wanted them to be impressed with me. I wanted them to like me and see that I was empowered with the very integrity I was preaching about.
Well, the best honesty I can come up with right now is to say this: finding the truth is incredibly difficulty after decades of imprinting. But I can say I am a great deal better and find telling the truth about myself to have payoffs I never imagined possible.
Often, I honestly don’t know the truth of “Craig.” I find that most people in the business world don’t really know themselves any more than I know myself. Our capacity for true self-reflection is limited.
The author of this article asserts that once we believed that scrubbing ourselves before presentations and regulating anything we might call genuine emotions, were key to being perceived as an effective leader.
Now we know that to be effective, to connect with a group, to have our team listen to us, to be inspired by us as a leader, we must demonstrate a humanity and truth only we as individuals can muster.
I talk a great deal about empathy. I realize I am limited in personal empathy, but I am working hard at what my therapist tells me is different: “professional empathy.” So, I work hard at trying to put myself in my team’s shoes. How are they seeing this situation? Will it help if I self-disclose here? Will it be only to show-off, or will what I say be truly helpful? Is it time to restrain myself from talking, or can sharing part of myself and my experience here be of benefit?
I can say I have had success and have been validated by most people with whom I speak.
The author of the article tells us that there are three key drivers of trust: authenticity, logic, and empathy. He gives compelling examples of leaders struggling to inspire their teams, yet falling short of these components, leaving their audiences feeling cold and disconnected.
The author gives us four steps which can help us add humanity to our presentations and increase our team’s inspiration:
Now, I tend to exaggerate and make things more dramatic than they might have been. It is dramatic enough to realize we, as business leaders, DO NOT FAIL. So, anything I can say would be dramatic on its own. And I can, if I cannot impress with my own story, remind the audience that Walt Disney was fired from a newspaper for “lacking imagination” and having no original ideas.
It can help to begin sharing with something like this: “: It feels pretty scary to share this…” or “I hesitate to bring this forward…”
This speaks for itself and is easy to figure out. Whatever situation you find yourself in, begin there.
Listen to TED talks or podcasts and find out what inspires you. When do you feel connected? Remember, you are not becoming an evangelical prophet. You just want to be honest and share from your heart, not manipulate with your mind.
I know it is a rare individual who can be honest about themselves. I know one or two people like this.
But we can continue to try, we can continue to work on inspiring others, and this is what coaching is all about, right?
Let me hear from you!