This article really hit home for me.
I was so identified with “what” I did rather than “who” I was, my therapist told me the ubiquitous: “Sounds like you’re a human doing, not a human being.”
As I mellowed and learned and began to coach, and especially after the beginning of the pandemic, I have seen my clients do what I was forced to do: consider the existential question of “who am I? And what is my purpose?”
It’s a wake-up call.
Psychologists call the prevention of a development of a stable, consistent sense of self “enmeshment.” And while we know it isn’t bad to identify with one’s career, it makes one vulnerable to a painful identity crisis if one is laid-off, or forced, due to any circumstance at all, to make a career change.
The author of this article suggests reasons for ensuing mental health challenges which arise due to issues of burnout and career enmeshment and confusion
There is a great deal of research on this phenomenon. But those interested could investigate the psychology of people who are suddenly wealthy, after being hand-to-mouth, or at least less privileged than before.
So, how do you know if your identity has become enmeshed – or, just too important – or, important enough that you have forsaken your family, friends, hobbies-for your career? Consider the following questions:
Is your mind consumed with work-related thoughts?
Is it difficult to make conversation with those who are not in your field?
How quickly do you tell people about what you do?
Or pretend humility to really force a question? (This is really pride and ego, as has been pointed out to me).
Have you ever apportioned your time? E.G., Work, Family, Friends, Spiritual Life, Hobbies?
As I often say, and will say again, I could not have seen the light without a qualified professional. My therapist helped me understand the challenges faced by someone with a high-pressure career. She helped me understand, if not immediately implement, a self-care routine which I now teach my clients. It is amazing. When I thought I could never be successful or efficient if I took the time to do other things – family, golf, etc., I became better at what I did. You sure coulda fooled me…
And the author makes some useful start-up suggestions:
Delegate! Delegate! Delegate! It is a fact of our nature; people want to help. This goes for family and friends too.
The author claims that recent research on adult friendships has shown that having just three to five close friends is associated with the highest levels of life satisfaction.
This involves clarifying your values. I once did an exercise in a workshop where we were asked to live our last 24 hours on earth. It became vividly clear what was important and what was extraneous. I heartily recommend this exercise.
Look, I know how easy it is for me to preach here. Let’s just say I didn’t do what I am now recommending for the first 30 years of my career.
I paid the price. I paid dearly. But hey, we begin when we begin. The important thing is to begin now. Enjoy the rest of your time on this planet and leave a beautiful footprint.
Let me know how you are doing.